Jacob POV
In desperation we do strange things, Bells. You
just don’t stop to think about them before you’re doing something
insane without reason.
It was so hard Bella, for all of us.
Fake-smiles and flowers were all that stopped us from trying to think
about, let alone answer, that nagging word that silenced the room.
You go into this
state of ignorance for the world around you. Time doesn’t matter
any more. Days blur into weeks, clocks have no purpose – the rules
of night and day don’t apply to you any more. I found myself
fighting with the nurses as they told me to leave, my friends tried
to drag me out in the night as I listened to your soothing heart
monitor – the rhythmic buzzing became my favourite song, a lullaby
that reminded me you were still in there. You were still alive.
It got to the stage where I was sat opposite him. You’re
probably happy at that I guess. Your internal melody kept us from
fighting talking – both joined by
the shared faith in your survival and infuriated when that beautiful
silence was interrupted.
Anyway, there’s something I’ve been meaning to
tell you, and I’d rather you hear it from me first. Here it goes. I
kissed you when you were in your coma, on the lips. I wish I could
say that I had dreamed of your fairytale awakening, Bells, but the
truth is a lot more twisted than that. They were out hunting; I was
alone, with you… looking so radiant. The partitions between the
room were closed; the curtains open to let the sunlight stream onto
your porcelain skin. It sprung out of nowhere, I swear! I know you’ll
hate me; I’m an idiot and a creep. I shouldn’t have even
considered it, trust me Bells – I wasn’t in my right mind, I
wasn’t myself! The Docs were giving up hope, it was months Bella,
they didn’t think you’d make it; they said… they said we should
consider ‘letting you go’. Never!
I would never, Bella, I wouldn’t even consider it! I will
never give up hope on you.
You’ve got to believe me, I wasn’t thinking straight. They said
you should die ‘peacefully’, I guess the blood-suckers decided to
clear their heads and ran away, but I faced it Bella, I stayed with
you as they left you. Alone. I would’ve done anything. Just to know
that there was something there, that you were inside, hearing my
screams.
What had I been dreaming about? - You’re probably wondering. There’s a reason I kept this to the end, Bells, because it has been haunting me since the day you fell and up until now it’s been incomplete, but now that missing detail that I needed to finish it was found.
I planned it – my death – vowed that if you
didn’t wake up, if that monitor skipped one small beat, then I was
going with you. I will always follow you Bells, into the darkness. I
stayed as close as they would let me, making sure that you were still
there, counting each precious tone in my head. It would be the same
way you went: I would go to the cliffs we had been at so many months
ago. I was going to take some peonies, white ones – your
favourites, aren’t they? I would put them there with my note, so
everybody knew it was not an accident, but a declaration of my
undying love for you, Bella. A purposeful; meaningful act of sheer
courage that was never to be mistaken for a drunken leap or idiotic
dare that a childish teenager would do. I would slot the note in the
flowers and tie it with some black ribbon – embroidered with gold
thread to bind the words onto the silk fabric forever. “Sleep
tight, princess.” Then I would jump, near the rocks, the day after
your funeral. It wouldn’t hurt, Bells, because I’d know I would
be with you soon. Hear your laughter again, like the soft chime of
bells. See you smile, just one more time.
You know in some cultures, taking a picture of
someone is as personal as cutting off some of their hair, because it
is like capturing a piece of their soul. I don’t want to just have
the memories, there is no soul in the newer pictures I have of you.
You don’t smile with your eyes, I can tell. Because when you really
smile it melts my heart and the heat flashes through my body like a
firework. I just want to see you smile, Bells. Just to show me this
was an accident, not an escape-route – I know you’re smart,
Bella, but you wouldn’t.
Would you? It makes me wonder if I really know you at all.
I know I’ve been looking for too many ‘signs’ over the past few weeks, spent hours asking you to move a finger, flutter an eyelash, anything just to reaffirm my faith, reassure me that this is worth it. But I’m serious here; Bells… just, just pull through this. Wake up. I guess it makes no difference to me though; I’ll be with you wherever you are. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there. I know, I know, you probably don’t feel the same about me yet, but I can deal with that. Just as long as you’re safe, Bells. Happy.
Sweet Dreams,
Jacob
I watch as the
water swallows the final word and the waves drag the sodden rag into
the darkness. Nobody has to know about this.
I don’t know why I even decided to write it. It seems so pathetic
and weak. At least she’ll never have to see it, feel the lies sink
into her cold skin. I got sucked into that black hole of remorse,
just begging for her sympathy. The biggest lie, the most difficult to
write is by far the worst. She’ll never be happy, so long as he
is here. And I will never be able to
deal with that.
Bella POV
It was like a deeply rehearsed play. Carlisle shot them with rubber bullets in the forest near their house, to knock them out. Alice and I had some fun arranging them on the sofas with strewn blankets and half-empty coffee mugs, the dregs swirling at the bottom. Edward said I should lie down, get some rest, build up my strength – but I didn’t want to waste any second they were with me. We continued with our life-size doll house game and added an open packet of biscuits, sprinkling some crumbs over the floor, much to Esme’s dismay, and set up a horror movie to play the credits as they were waking up. I put a magazine on the couch next to Renee and her phone in her hand. It was all rather convincing until we had to devise the reason they were at the Cullen’s recently refurbished house as far away from the hospital as it could get.
‘Ooh, I know, we could bring some equipment to the cliff,’ Alice said, enthusiastically, turning to Carlisle in need of approval.
Edward rolled his eyes and her voice became background noise as I stared into the amber jewels, our gazes locked instantly, the room becoming a hazy blur. Alice had been coming up with many extreme ideas and everyone was starting to lose patience, but it seemed that this one had caught Carlisle’s attention.
‘Well, if we just move this here, we could bring some equipment back, then set it up over there,’ He walked from the room, Alice in tow, pointing widely with his arms.
I looked to Edward and
he shook his head indulgently.
‘We’ll leave this
up to them, just make sure you don’t laugh during our little
performance’ He smiled, and I felt my heart thud slowly into my
ribcage like a hammer on a over-filled pillow, quickly remembering to
return his smile.
It had been so long, so
long since I’d seen him, touched him, felt his marble torso as we
clung together.
Only a few hours ago I
was blasted into thick, blinding darkness, suffocating in this heavy
fog that was pushing on every cell in my body and being swallowed
into the damp core of this strange being, nothingness, hacking at
every part of me.
And in the deafening silence something grabbed me.
Then I was choking, it felt like I would explode, a balloon fit to burst and was still being pumped with astonishing light and forced down my throat with no space for it, but it was a magnificent feeling, thousands of blinding butterflies floating through my bones and caressing each inch of me until I was luminous and the butterflies dissolved until I feel a razor slide into my lungs. Then another, and I realise it is air. So I intake all I can, the familiar thump of my heart charging up, ready for the finale. My eyes flickered and I saw a bizarre pink glow penetrating through the darkness. My eyelids! So I concentrate, feeling the cool breeze brush onto my cheeks like stone, willing with all of the trapped energy inside of me that had been dormant for so long…
And then they were open. And he was there.
And all was right with the world.
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