Bella POV
I
drift in and out of awareness, almost like sleep and wakefulness.
Though how you can be awake with your eyes closed I don't know.
Whenever I can, I try to move, try to make my body obey me, but it
won't listen. Just one finger,
I plead, but nothing happens. It's always the same, every time I
'wake up'. The only thing that changes are the people; the voices I
hear talking.
Sometimes it's the doctor.
“She's still stable, but I don't like the look of these figures.”
Or it might be Charlie.
“Come on Bells, you can do this. You can fight this. Just wake up.
Please, don't leave me like this, you can't...”
Yesterday, it was Jacob.
“I'm so sorry Bella. If only I’d been there sooner. You wouldn't
be like this. You'd be ok. Stupid red-headed bloodsucker, she ruined
everything.”
But, most of the time, the first voice I hear is Alice. I don't know
if she leaves, or if she can tell that I can hear her, but she always
seems to start talking just when I come part way back to reality.
She's never halfway through a sentence or just finished and saying
goodbye, like Charlie sometimes is. And she always starts the same
way.
“He's on his way Bella. He'll be here soon.”
That's the only thing keeping me going; the knowledge that Edward
will be here soon. I don't even care that he's probably only coming
to help Alice. I can almost make myself believe that he's coming
because he cares about me.
I don't know how long I’ve been here. I don't know if it's day or
night. There's no lightening of my eyelids. Just the bright light
high above me, where all the voices come from. I can't be sure, but I
think they're getting fainter. That scares me. I don't want them to
fade away; I don't want to lose touch with life and slip away.
That's just when I’m 'awake' though. When I sleep, I dream.
One of the only positives of the accident: I think those rocks
knocked my nightmares clean out of my head. There's no more wandering
aimlessly through forests, looking for something that isn't there.
My dreams are happy now. I remember all the happy times in my life;
the cookies Renee and I tried to bake when I was seven that somehow
ended up on the ceiling; the time Charlie fished me a little crab out
of one of the tide pools; my last summer in California before I moved
to Forks, Renee laughing with Phil, Charlie smiling despite himself,
his arm around my shoulder as we walk along the beach. Then, more
recent; the first time I ever talked to Edward; visiting the meadow,
his skin sparkling in the sunshine; spending time at his family's
house; his voice when he saved me from James; the whole gloriously
rainy summer before senior year; my birthday, minus the whole
near-death experience thing.
Other times, my dreams are entirely fictional. I dream of Edward, of
course. I dream that he is back, and I am awake. I dream of him
telling me everything he said was wrong, that he made a mistake, that
he loves me and he wants me. All these impossible things that will
never really happen.
Then, one day, I wake up, and there is no noise. No voices at least.
Not even a rustling of sheets from the bed next to me. I know there
was a woman there; Maggie, her husband called her. Maybe she's
asleep, or she went home. I hope she's alright. But she's not here
now, and the only sound is the beeping of my heart monitor, the
hissing sound of the oxygen pump that keeps me breathing, and the
gentle whir of the machine monitoring my brain activity as it prints
out an endless stream of results.
Can it be that I’m alone, for once? Maybe I should be relieved;
peace and quiet, at last. But I’m not. I want someone here, I want
to hear a voice... I don't want to be alone.
Then I hear it. It's very quiet, almost silent, nearly drowned out by
the sounds of the machines, but I still hear. Even, gentle breathing.
The only kind of breathing that comes from someone who doesn't need
it. It's so familiar, and I instantly know why. I fell asleep to the
sound of it who knows how many times over the summer.
Edward is here.
Now that I know this, I wonder how I didn't realise it before. I can
feel his presence, almost see him sitting beside me... but I can't
actually see. My view is still only that white light. It doesn't seem
so far away, and the sounds around me are clearer. Hope springs up in
me before I can stop it, and I decide to take advantage of my
enhanced sensitivity. I listen intently to the world around me. I
will him to speak.
“Bella.”
It's a broken whisper, barely more than a breath, but just the sound
of his voice sends a thrill through me. All of a sudden, the pain is
all gone. I don't care that I can't move, because I want to stay
right here. The hole in my chest is all closed up, like it was never
there in the first place. I feel perfect.
He's still speaking. His breathing is less even; it hitches and
shifts, like he's holding back sobs.
“Oh Bella, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. For this, for everything.
You have no idea. You probably can't even hear me. God, I’m so
stupid.”
He lapses into silence and, for once, I wish he could read my mind.
Or, if not, that I could speak. I wouldn't mind being paralysed if I
could just talk. But I can't. Still, I think what I would say, if I
could.
You're
not stupid! You're the smartest, sweetest, kindest person I’ve ever
met in my life. I can hear every word you say, and I want... no, I
need you to talk to
me. Tell me what you're sorry for, not that it matters; I will always
forgive you. Tell me what you've been doing. Tell me why you came
back. Tell me anything! Just keep talking, please.
I wonder if he can hear me, because he seems to be responding to my
silent pleas.
“Bella... you probably don't want to hear this. You'll probably
think it's all just bad excuses and lies. Why wouldn't you? I’ve
lied before. But I have to tell you, whether you hear me or not; my
conscience won't let me rest until I say it.” Edward takes a deep
breath. I wait.
“That day in the forest... I lied Bella. Every word I said was a
lie. My kind do not experience change often, and when we do, it is
permanent and complete. You changed me Bella. After almost 90
years of not knowing I was missing anything, you brought me to life.
I could never stop loving you, even if I wanted to; and believe me, I
don't.”
I can't believe what I’m hearing. Is he saying what I think he's
saying? Could he possibly still care about me? Still love me? My mind
is spinning, so I only just hear him as he speaks again.
“When Alice called... I thought something horrible had happened.
That there was a problem with my family. I never imagined there could
be anything worse than that. But this is... so much worse. No matter
how my heart is calmed to see your face and smell your scent and hear
your heartbeat, it's not the same. I can't see your beautiful eyes,
or hear your delicious laugh, or take you in my arms and hold on
tight. If I never have the chance to do that again...” His voice
chokes off abruptly, and I ache to comfort him.
“I mustn’t think that way. Alice told me not to, and she'll have
my head if she realises I have. But she can't see anything, and it's
driving both of us crazy. Whether you can forgive me or not, even if
you never want to see me ever again, I need you to be ok. Not
knowing if you're going to make it... it's killing me Bella. I
haven't felt this scared since I thought I’d lost you to James.”
I mentally shudder at the memory. I remember every time I thought I
wouldn't see Edward again. The time with James, of course, in the
ballet studio in Phoenix... the disastrous day he left me... when
Laurent nearly got me in the meadow, before Jacob and the rest of the
pack showed up...
I wonder if it is as bad for me as it is for him, or if it's worse.
Maybe it's me who has the worst experience; I’m never sure if I am
enough to hold him. Maybe he's just guilty now, and he'll leave again
when I wake up.
If
you wake up, that annoying,
self-doubting voice in my head mocks me. She has a point, much as I
hate to admit it. The doctors think I don't hear them, don't see a
change in the readings they get when I am 'awake', so they don't hide
anything. As long as Charlie isn't around, they say whatever they
want. I’ve heard them talk about declining vitals, decreasing
levels of brain activity, new medication, different fluids in my IV.
I tend to shut down a little, when I can. I can't seem to control
when I drift off. I can't sleep when I want to, and when I want to
stay awake, the blackness pulls me under.
Like now.
Edward isn't talking any more, just sobbing and whispering my name
every now and then, and my subconscious has decided to shut down for
the foreseeable future. As I am dragged further into the darkness,
and that white light of reality fades away no matter how hard I try
to cling to it, I have only one thought.
Edward.
Don't leave. Be here when I wake up again.
Nothing else matters, as long as he stays. Nothing in the world.
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